- Crying while trying to soothe your baby, because he won't soothe
- Sleepless nights trying to figure out baby gas
- Laughing with your husband at the never-ending poop explosion at 4am
- Getting down to eye-level with your baby on the floor, so he can bond with you, even though it hurts a lot
- Rocking your baby to sleep in arms that are so tired
- Watching your baby jive to music on his play mat
- Feeling your heart break as your baby has tears on his face, and not knowing why
- Endless loads of laundry due to spit up
- Marveling over his baby hands and incredibly long feet
- Memorizing every last detail of his face, and then doing it again a few days later because he's changed
- Wanting the very best for him but not knowing what that means yet
- Freaking out over how much time has already passed and how far he's progressed
- Having your heart swell out effortlessly to include him even though you didn't think there was room
- Wondering what things will be like when he's older and how life will change
- Being excited for the future but trying to hang onto every precious moment in the present
- Looking into his blue eyes and knowing you would do it all over again, even if it went the exact same way it did the first time
Friday, 25 November 2016
Motherhood Is
Motherhood is:
Monday, 14 November 2016
Noah's Birth Story
Noah's birth story is a long one that starts with a week-long hospital stay for me, and as such, big parts of my story are woven with his. Friday October 22 is the date all the events started, and it seemed like a normal enough day. I was feeling a little off, I had had a long week, and ended up canceling coffee with a dear friend that day. That evening Geoff and I were planning on going on a dinner date, something I was really looking forward to. I was getting ready for that event when I had back cramps start, and they were coming in waves. I lay down on our bed for a little while, thinking they were just because I had overdone it that week. When they started getting stronger, I called my midwife. She suggested a hot bath to see if they would go away, and asked me to call her if they didn't. Well- they didn't go away. We met at the Huntsville Hospital for her to assess me. Her assessment showed my belly measuring large- 43 weeks when I was at 36, to be exact- and my cervix dilated at 3 cm. I had no contractions, and other than the back pain, was feeling fine. After a conversation with the OB at Soldier's Memorial Hospital in Orillia, Geoff and I were sent home to pack and head down there.
We arrived in Orillia at around 1 a.m. on Saturday. The OB met us in the Labour and Delivery triage and performed an ultrasound. His main concern was the size of my belly and he was wondering how much fluid I was retaining internally. His initial ultrasound showed large pockets of fluid, indicating polyhydramnios - which basically means a lot of fluid in the amniotic sac. He ordered a lot of blood work, and an ultrasound for the next day. When the blood work was finally done we were admitted to the maternity ward and got a few hours of sleep.
The ultrasound the next day (done because it was more in depth and performed on a better machine, by an ultrasound tech) showed that there were indeed large pockets of fluid in the amniotic sac, however they were smaller than the OB had determined inititally, and instead of being ranked as having severe or moderate polyhydramnios, I was ranked in the mild category. Baby Noah, however, was quite large. This brought up a few concerns, which led to the OB deciding I needed to stay at the hospital until at least 37 weeks- the following Tuesday.
The days from Friday to Tuesday seemed to drag on forever. I had blood work done almost every day, an IV site was put into my hand to ensure quick access in case something happened, there were nursing staff in and out of my room constantly, I wasn't sleeping well. (Hospital beds feel like rocks when you are retaining too much fluid and have a huge belly!) During this time Geoff was with me, trying to get me through eating gross hospital food, and keeping my spirits up until we had a plan. On Tuesday the OB and I discussed my options, and I decided that I didn't want to be induced past Friday October 28. He was comfortable with this plan, as he didn't really want me delivering past 38 weeks.
Friday the 28 finally arrived, and I was nervous, but really not sleeping well or eating enough, so I was totally ready to meet baby! Around 12:30 p.m. the OB came in and broke my water, and then it was just a waiting game. Contractions started irregularly for me around 1:30 p.m. and then regularly at 3:30 p.m. (thank you, walking!). I was moved into a delivery room a little while later, where I laboured naturally for a few hours. Something I learned through my labour was that birth never goes how you planned it... I wanted natural, no drugs, to labour in the tub- I got all that, for the first little while. After labouring in the tub for an indeterminate amount of time (who has the focus to watch a clock?), my contractions started getting harder and harder to bear. My midwife asked if I wanted something for the pain, morphine perhaps, and I agreed- and approximately five minutes later asked for an epidural. I was freaking out, because I absolutely hate needles- but I figured after having about 20 vials of blood drawn at that point, I would be okay.
The epidural actually wasn't too bad. It was much nicer than having blood work- mainly uncomfortable, with very little pain. I also knew it would help, so my mindset was a bit better. A while later, though, we determined that it wasn't doing it's job properly, which was scary. Either they would have to look at the tubing and move it (best case scenario), or they would have to choose a different site and start all over again (worst case scenario). Thankfully, it was scenario one- the tubing had just worked it's way farther into my back than it should have. Once it was working properly, my contractions started getting more regular, and I was comfortable for the first time since we'd been admitted to the hospital.
Soon it was time to push, and push I did, for three hours. Though I was pushing well, baby Noah wasn't moving properly due to his head being rather large, and because of this and the shape of my pelvis, the OB recommended getting a c-section. This is when I started freaking out again. Labour felt natural and good, so did pushing. A c-section? That's surgery. It meant getting a spinal anesthetic, and getting cut open. We also had to move my IV site, because the medicine was only getting through by using a pump at that point, and they needed a better vein. I felt really bad for the nurses at this point, because I was lying there bawling my eyes out, and it wasn't their fault. (IVs hurt, just for the record).
At this point they got Geoff scrubs for the OR and put me in a hairnet, and wheeled me out of the labour room. The OR room was exactly what I had feared and not wanted from the beginning- bright lights, hospital green, lots of staff walking around. I was brought into there without my husband, too, which was entirely unnerving. They stopped the epidural and did the spinal, and then took off the epidural tape- for any ladies afraid of an epidural- honestly it doesn't hurt that much. The tape, however? Ow. Ow. Ow. Free back waxing anyone? Oh- you don't have hair? Okay we'll just take the skin off. Pretty much what it felt like to me.
After about 20 minutes Geoff was allowed in, and placed at my head. The anesthesiologist was at my head also, and asked me to tell her if I felt a number of symptoms. She would stay there for the duration of the procedure. She also let me know when I would feel certain things- such as pressure when the baby was coming out. (That was a strange feeling). After what seemed like not too long, we heard a collective "oh wow!" and a baby crying- and we both cried, because we knew our son had been born. (the time was 2:35 a.m.) The "oh wow!" was because he was 10 lbs 5 oz... they cleaned Noah up, and brought him over to my chest. I was frozen up to my collarbone, so couldn't really feel anything, but I saw him for about a minute, and then knew I was going to vomit. My precious son was taken off my chest and replaced with a barf basin, and my husband was sent out of the room with Noah to see the pediatrician. I know from being told that I was taken back to the labour room I had been in initially, but the next 6 or so hours are completely black in my memory.
Later that morning, I was asked if I wanted to see Noah, and I said yes. I really don't remember much of that journey either, except that I do remember fading in and out of consciousness and feeling incredibly dizzy in the wheelchair. I think I saw him for about 5 minutes. The remainder of that day and part of the next are blurry for me. I remember my in laws coming to see us, and my parents, but I don't remember conversations or much else. The pain meds I was on were making me incredibly loopy, and ill. I vomited lots of times, which after a c-section is extremely painful. Noah I know was in the nursery/NICU because his blood sugars were low, and he was on an IV drip until they went up. We went to see him every day (again for an indeterminate amount of time, I know Geoff knows how many days, but I don't remember, and he's not here) and tried to get feeding on track.
Just when he was starting to do better, my hemoglobin levels tanked. I was given three blood transfusions and was feeling pretty weak. Noah was actually discharged from the NICU the day that I got my second two transfusions, and he was placed in our room (finally!). Things were looking hopeful for us to both go home the next day, when at 3:30 a.m., the nurse noticed that Noah's colour wasn't great, and he was admitted to the NICU again because his bilirubin levels had spiked, causing jaundice. He needed to be put under photo therapy. Later that morning, the OB who had done my c-section came by and discharged me from the maternity ward. With Noah still in the NICU, Geoff and I booked a courtesy room to stay in (in the hospital) overnight. We had a great visit with Jason and Anna that evening, and then things went south for me again.
The beds in the courtesy room were flat, not reclining hospitals beds. Not realizing how little I had actually healed, I thought it would be smart to try and lie on my side and prop myself up with pillows. I wound up flat on my back and unable to breathe. Geoff pressed the call button for a nurse and two of the nurses from Pediatrics (on the same floor as the NICU) were able to get me into a sitting position. They even wheeled a reclining bed in for me so I didn't have to sleep flat. Geoff and I were just getting settled, when one of the nurses came back in and explained that her supervisor wanted me to go to Emergency and get stronger pain meds, because they weren't supposed to be looking after me. So, Geoff and I made our way down there, and ended up being in the waiting room for 3 hours, and then in triage for another 3 while they did blood work and a urine screen. The Emerg Dr ordered me another ultrasound for the next day, because she was worried about a uterine infection.
By the time we got back to our room, it was early morning, I think we got a couple of hours of sleep, and then Noah was discharged. The NICU staff graciously took care of him while we waited for my ultrasound, and then waited for the results, and to be seen by yet another OB. By 5pm that day I was discharged by the OB, with no ultrasound results, and a better script for pain meds. We were free! Geoff got Noah and I all packed up and we headed home. We were there for two days, and then Noah's bilirubin levels spiked again. So we packed again... and headed back to Orillia. Thankfully that visit was short, just overnight. The photo therapy was used on Noah again and we were discharged the following afternoon.
Since then, we've been home. We're doing okay. Noah is much better than me- his levels have continued to drop, and he's a really great baby. Peaceful for the most part and happy. His facial expressions constantly make me laugh (which hurts for the record!) and I love to snuggle with him. I'm getting better and stronger every day. I'm impatient with myself and I wish that I could just do things normally, but I know that I have to take it slow... I tend to overdo things still, as I haven't learned what my limit is yet, and then I get absolutely exhausted. But I have been blessed- incredibly so. Though my labour wasn't ideal, I lived, as did my son. My son is a huge blessing- I love him so much. We are home, that's another one. Geoff took the first week of my recovery off, and my mom came up the second week, so today is my first day flying solo. I'm extremely grateful to both of them for all their hard work and encouragement, coupled with sleepless nights and help lifting and changing and burping Noah. So, even though I'm exhausted and hurting, I'm feeling pretty awesome. If you made it to the end of this post, well done. I know I rambled a lot- thanks for your patience. #babybrain.
We arrived in Orillia at around 1 a.m. on Saturday. The OB met us in the Labour and Delivery triage and performed an ultrasound. His main concern was the size of my belly and he was wondering how much fluid I was retaining internally. His initial ultrasound showed large pockets of fluid, indicating polyhydramnios - which basically means a lot of fluid in the amniotic sac. He ordered a lot of blood work, and an ultrasound for the next day. When the blood work was finally done we were admitted to the maternity ward and got a few hours of sleep.
The ultrasound the next day (done because it was more in depth and performed on a better machine, by an ultrasound tech) showed that there were indeed large pockets of fluid in the amniotic sac, however they were smaller than the OB had determined inititally, and instead of being ranked as having severe or moderate polyhydramnios, I was ranked in the mild category. Baby Noah, however, was quite large. This brought up a few concerns, which led to the OB deciding I needed to stay at the hospital until at least 37 weeks- the following Tuesday.
The days from Friday to Tuesday seemed to drag on forever. I had blood work done almost every day, an IV site was put into my hand to ensure quick access in case something happened, there were nursing staff in and out of my room constantly, I wasn't sleeping well. (Hospital beds feel like rocks when you are retaining too much fluid and have a huge belly!) During this time Geoff was with me, trying to get me through eating gross hospital food, and keeping my spirits up until we had a plan. On Tuesday the OB and I discussed my options, and I decided that I didn't want to be induced past Friday October 28. He was comfortable with this plan, as he didn't really want me delivering past 38 weeks.
Friday the 28 finally arrived, and I was nervous, but really not sleeping well or eating enough, so I was totally ready to meet baby! Around 12:30 p.m. the OB came in and broke my water, and then it was just a waiting game. Contractions started irregularly for me around 1:30 p.m. and then regularly at 3:30 p.m. (thank you, walking!). I was moved into a delivery room a little while later, where I laboured naturally for a few hours. Something I learned through my labour was that birth never goes how you planned it... I wanted natural, no drugs, to labour in the tub- I got all that, for the first little while. After labouring in the tub for an indeterminate amount of time (who has the focus to watch a clock?), my contractions started getting harder and harder to bear. My midwife asked if I wanted something for the pain, morphine perhaps, and I agreed- and approximately five minutes later asked for an epidural. I was freaking out, because I absolutely hate needles- but I figured after having about 20 vials of blood drawn at that point, I would be okay.
The epidural actually wasn't too bad. It was much nicer than having blood work- mainly uncomfortable, with very little pain. I also knew it would help, so my mindset was a bit better. A while later, though, we determined that it wasn't doing it's job properly, which was scary. Either they would have to look at the tubing and move it (best case scenario), or they would have to choose a different site and start all over again (worst case scenario). Thankfully, it was scenario one- the tubing had just worked it's way farther into my back than it should have. Once it was working properly, my contractions started getting more regular, and I was comfortable for the first time since we'd been admitted to the hospital.
Soon it was time to push, and push I did, for three hours. Though I was pushing well, baby Noah wasn't moving properly due to his head being rather large, and because of this and the shape of my pelvis, the OB recommended getting a c-section. This is when I started freaking out again. Labour felt natural and good, so did pushing. A c-section? That's surgery. It meant getting a spinal anesthetic, and getting cut open. We also had to move my IV site, because the medicine was only getting through by using a pump at that point, and they needed a better vein. I felt really bad for the nurses at this point, because I was lying there bawling my eyes out, and it wasn't their fault. (IVs hurt, just for the record).
At this point they got Geoff scrubs for the OR and put me in a hairnet, and wheeled me out of the labour room. The OR room was exactly what I had feared and not wanted from the beginning- bright lights, hospital green, lots of staff walking around. I was brought into there without my husband, too, which was entirely unnerving. They stopped the epidural and did the spinal, and then took off the epidural tape- for any ladies afraid of an epidural- honestly it doesn't hurt that much. The tape, however? Ow. Ow. Ow. Free back waxing anyone? Oh- you don't have hair? Okay we'll just take the skin off. Pretty much what it felt like to me.
After about 20 minutes Geoff was allowed in, and placed at my head. The anesthesiologist was at my head also, and asked me to tell her if I felt a number of symptoms. She would stay there for the duration of the procedure. She also let me know when I would feel certain things- such as pressure when the baby was coming out. (That was a strange feeling). After what seemed like not too long, we heard a collective "oh wow!" and a baby crying- and we both cried, because we knew our son had been born. (the time was 2:35 a.m.) The "oh wow!" was because he was 10 lbs 5 oz... they cleaned Noah up, and brought him over to my chest. I was frozen up to my collarbone, so couldn't really feel anything, but I saw him for about a minute, and then knew I was going to vomit. My precious son was taken off my chest and replaced with a barf basin, and my husband was sent out of the room with Noah to see the pediatrician. I know from being told that I was taken back to the labour room I had been in initially, but the next 6 or so hours are completely black in my memory.
Later that morning, I was asked if I wanted to see Noah, and I said yes. I really don't remember much of that journey either, except that I do remember fading in and out of consciousness and feeling incredibly dizzy in the wheelchair. I think I saw him for about 5 minutes. The remainder of that day and part of the next are blurry for me. I remember my in laws coming to see us, and my parents, but I don't remember conversations or much else. The pain meds I was on were making me incredibly loopy, and ill. I vomited lots of times, which after a c-section is extremely painful. Noah I know was in the nursery/NICU because his blood sugars were low, and he was on an IV drip until they went up. We went to see him every day (again for an indeterminate amount of time, I know Geoff knows how many days, but I don't remember, and he's not here) and tried to get feeding on track.
Just when he was starting to do better, my hemoglobin levels tanked. I was given three blood transfusions and was feeling pretty weak. Noah was actually discharged from the NICU the day that I got my second two transfusions, and he was placed in our room (finally!). Things were looking hopeful for us to both go home the next day, when at 3:30 a.m., the nurse noticed that Noah's colour wasn't great, and he was admitted to the NICU again because his bilirubin levels had spiked, causing jaundice. He needed to be put under photo therapy. Later that morning, the OB who had done my c-section came by and discharged me from the maternity ward. With Noah still in the NICU, Geoff and I booked a courtesy room to stay in (in the hospital) overnight. We had a great visit with Jason and Anna that evening, and then things went south for me again.
The beds in the courtesy room were flat, not reclining hospitals beds. Not realizing how little I had actually healed, I thought it would be smart to try and lie on my side and prop myself up with pillows. I wound up flat on my back and unable to breathe. Geoff pressed the call button for a nurse and two of the nurses from Pediatrics (on the same floor as the NICU) were able to get me into a sitting position. They even wheeled a reclining bed in for me so I didn't have to sleep flat. Geoff and I were just getting settled, when one of the nurses came back in and explained that her supervisor wanted me to go to Emergency and get stronger pain meds, because they weren't supposed to be looking after me. So, Geoff and I made our way down there, and ended up being in the waiting room for 3 hours, and then in triage for another 3 while they did blood work and a urine screen. The Emerg Dr ordered me another ultrasound for the next day, because she was worried about a uterine infection.
By the time we got back to our room, it was early morning, I think we got a couple of hours of sleep, and then Noah was discharged. The NICU staff graciously took care of him while we waited for my ultrasound, and then waited for the results, and to be seen by yet another OB. By 5pm that day I was discharged by the OB, with no ultrasound results, and a better script for pain meds. We were free! Geoff got Noah and I all packed up and we headed home. We were there for two days, and then Noah's bilirubin levels spiked again. So we packed again... and headed back to Orillia. Thankfully that visit was short, just overnight. The photo therapy was used on Noah again and we were discharged the following afternoon.
Since then, we've been home. We're doing okay. Noah is much better than me- his levels have continued to drop, and he's a really great baby. Peaceful for the most part and happy. His facial expressions constantly make me laugh (which hurts for the record!) and I love to snuggle with him. I'm getting better and stronger every day. I'm impatient with myself and I wish that I could just do things normally, but I know that I have to take it slow... I tend to overdo things still, as I haven't learned what my limit is yet, and then I get absolutely exhausted. But I have been blessed- incredibly so. Though my labour wasn't ideal, I lived, as did my son. My son is a huge blessing- I love him so much. We are home, that's another one. Geoff took the first week of my recovery off, and my mom came up the second week, so today is my first day flying solo. I'm extremely grateful to both of them for all their hard work and encouragement, coupled with sleepless nights and help lifting and changing and burping Noah. So, even though I'm exhausted and hurting, I'm feeling pretty awesome. If you made it to the end of this post, well done. I know I rambled a lot- thanks for your patience. #babybrain.
Friday, 7 October 2016
Pregnancy & Me
Being pregnant has been one of the most difficult and rewarding things in my life so far. I've learned a lot since getting pregnant, about myself and pregnancy in general. One of the main lessons I've taken away from this, is that pregnancy is different for every woman- and that's okay. Some women get "the glow". Some women are tired all the time. Some women have morning sickness. You get the picture. Pregnancy hasn't been easy on me or my body- but I wanted to document some of the things I've been through so that I could look back and remember those moments. Below is a list of some of the stuff I'd like to remember- and there are a few really personal and potentially graphic (depending on your sensibilities) things on there. So- if you don't want to get too personal with me, don't keep reading! (As an aside, that's totally okay!)
Being pregnant to me means:
1) Having "morning sickness" for two weeks but actually only throwing up 3 times- once in the sink. The rest of the time was just queasiness. All. Day. Long.
2) Learning that my hubby will hold back my hair when I puke and try to be comforting.
3) Absolutely insisting that you're at the right car dealership to pick up your husband, when in fact, you are at the one next to it.
4) Transitioning from not wanting to talk about or deal with labour, to wanting to talk about labour and learn others' experiences.
5) Cheering if you can go #2 that day, especially if things move smoothly and you don't feel like a rhino is coming out of your butt.
6) Being turned off BBQ and being really sad because it's summer.
7) Sweating buckets at work and coming home drenched.
8) Having total strangers come up and make conversation with me about my pregnancy, and those same strangers saying "wow, you look so (insert big or small here)!" and then saying "you still have a long way to go" or "not long now"
9) Being frazzled with not sleeping. And being frazzled with people saying, "sleep now, you won't get any when the baby is here!". Wanting to yell back "But I'm not sleeping now!!"
10) Being too hot all the time.
11) Period bloating? That's nothing. Pregnancy bloating? I'm a whale....!
12) Cankles. See above.
13) Feeling flutterings in my tummy and not knowing whether it's gas, or baby.
14) Realizing those flutters are baby!
15) Bawling my eyes out seeing the baby on the 10 week ultrasound.
16) Feeling victorious when your gender guess is confirmed.
17) Going from loving baby movement, to loving and hating it at the same time. (Feet in ribcage syndrome is not fun).
18) Heartburn. Repeat x100
19) Having no item of clothing that feels comfortable some days.
20) Being worried that baby is okay in there. Loving the kicks because I know he's alive.
21) Not wanting to trade this for the world, and yet wanting him out.
22) Starting to get really excited to see his squishy little face. While alternately still not looking forward to labour.
23) Sitting on the couch with hubby, with his hand on my belly, loving how he's laughing every time the baby kicks or rolls over. Feeling really bonded over baby for the first time in that moment.
24) Drinking half a cup of coffee and peeing 3x in 20 minutes.
25) Getting up every two hours at night (I checked my clock) to pee. And probably more often than that in the daytime.
26) Realizing no one told me how much toilet paper I'd be going through. (see above)
27) Dealing with massive amounts of groin and pelvic pain- feeling like said regions are 80 years old instead of 27.
28) Dropping things on the floor. And leaving them there.
29) Still freaking out about things like spiders. But not caring as much about other stuff.
30) Needing help to lace up my shoes and feeling like a child.
31) Realizing I am strong to be able to carry a baby.
32) Knowing that I am blessed when so many others cannot have children.
Being pregnant to me means:
1) Having "morning sickness" for two weeks but actually only throwing up 3 times- once in the sink. The rest of the time was just queasiness. All. Day. Long.
2) Learning that my hubby will hold back my hair when I puke and try to be comforting.
3) Absolutely insisting that you're at the right car dealership to pick up your husband, when in fact, you are at the one next to it.
4) Transitioning from not wanting to talk about or deal with labour, to wanting to talk about labour and learn others' experiences.
5) Cheering if you can go #2 that day, especially if things move smoothly and you don't feel like a rhino is coming out of your butt.
6) Being turned off BBQ and being really sad because it's summer.
7) Sweating buckets at work and coming home drenched.
8) Having total strangers come up and make conversation with me about my pregnancy, and those same strangers saying "wow, you look so (insert big or small here)!" and then saying "you still have a long way to go" or "not long now"
9) Being frazzled with not sleeping. And being frazzled with people saying, "sleep now, you won't get any when the baby is here!". Wanting to yell back "But I'm not sleeping now!!"
10) Being too hot all the time.
11) Period bloating? That's nothing. Pregnancy bloating? I'm a whale....!
12) Cankles. See above.
13) Feeling flutterings in my tummy and not knowing whether it's gas, or baby.
14) Realizing those flutters are baby!
15) Bawling my eyes out seeing the baby on the 10 week ultrasound.
16) Feeling victorious when your gender guess is confirmed.
17) Going from loving baby movement, to loving and hating it at the same time. (Feet in ribcage syndrome is not fun).
18) Heartburn. Repeat x100
19) Having no item of clothing that feels comfortable some days.
20) Being worried that baby is okay in there. Loving the kicks because I know he's alive.
21) Not wanting to trade this for the world, and yet wanting him out.
22) Starting to get really excited to see his squishy little face. While alternately still not looking forward to labour.
23) Sitting on the couch with hubby, with his hand on my belly, loving how he's laughing every time the baby kicks or rolls over. Feeling really bonded over baby for the first time in that moment.
24) Drinking half a cup of coffee and peeing 3x in 20 minutes.
25) Getting up every two hours at night (I checked my clock) to pee. And probably more often than that in the daytime.
26) Realizing no one told me how much toilet paper I'd be going through. (see above)
27) Dealing with massive amounts of groin and pelvic pain- feeling like said regions are 80 years old instead of 27.
28) Dropping things on the floor. And leaving them there.
29) Still freaking out about things like spiders. But not caring as much about other stuff.
30) Needing help to lace up my shoes and feeling like a child.
31) Realizing I am strong to be able to carry a baby.
32) Knowing that I am blessed when so many others cannot have children.
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